I know I’m pulling a really lame pose, but I really love this dress. It’s the kind of dress that I’ll still wear when I’m in my late 30s and still love.
Olympic clock, trafalger square London.
The man I’m dreading saying goodbye to.
Ladies and gentlemen… Today is a very important day.
Today I’ve got my legs out. That’s right, no tights, no leggins no tan, no hair, just my bare legs, pale as the moon, and smooth as a baby’s peaches. You’re lucky because I NEVER get my legs out, never ever ever because I don’t really like them. This is probably the first time in about 7 years that they are out, I’m serious.
What’s the occasion you ask? Well, it’s a perfectly lovely sunny day here in London, and I’m going to meet an old colleague and dear friend of mine for a picnic in Hyde Park. I haven’t been out of the house for some time because, again, I’m horrendously sad, and I’ve been locking myself away from everyone.
SO - Just this once, for the last time, for me, for my friend and for all of London, I’m getting making a real effort to look nice, to leave the house, to be happy and to eat lovely food and try to make the fucking most of my last EVER wednesday here in the big smoke.
So here you are, my legs, a statement of real bravery and effort and a goodbye present for you London, you shit.
Things I’m currently into.
- Chanel lipstick.
- Modalu accessories.
- Aviator sunglasses ( though I really don’t suit them waaah :( )
- Rolled up denim.
- Plain pointed court shoes in black or white.
- Red
- Orange
- Navy
- Studio gibley films.
- Ebay.
- Vintage fashion blogs.
- High waisted shorts/ trousers/ skirts.
- World war history and artefacts relating to it.
- Right away great captain.
- Apparat.
- Battles.
- Tamagotchis.
- Homeware.
- 1940s hairstyles and dresses.
- The “make do and mend” philosophy.
- Old, handcrafted surgical tools.
- Medieval literature.
- Oranges.
- nutella
- Heritage sites and abandoned buildings in Lancashire.
One week to go.
This time next Monday I’ll be on my way back home for good with a big ole van full of my stuff. Can’t wait.
I’ve really had enough of London, I’ve seen it now, and it’s really drained me of a lot of energy and confidence that I had when I came. I’ve been the most sad here that I have ever been in my whole life, the most lonely, lost, and in the most in debt.
It’s a huge city, and building a good community of friends here is hard work because everyone is here with something to prove and everyone is constantly coming and going, I don’t think I’ve ever missed home as much as I do right now, nobody has anything to prove there, they’re just themselves, what you see is what you get, everyone is your friend, old ladies at the bus stop don’t look at you with suspicion and contempt, nobody pushes, nobody shoves and nobody judges, and nobody tries to dupe you of all the money you have to spare. Even the chavs are nicer!
There’s nothing I will miss about London. None of it. Ask me any of the things I could miss: All the foods of the world? - I’ll look up the recipes and cook it myself!, museums and galleries? - what do they have that I can’t google? Nightlife? - was never really into clubbing it’s expensive, you nearly always get robbed and I have better music on my hardrive, gigs?- they usually come to manchester too, markets?- they travel, the buildings and heritage? - I’ve seen it and taken the pictures, the 24 hour public transport?- that’s what cars and bikes are for. The career prospects? - It took my housemate 6 months to get a job after filling out applications all day everyday - there aren’t as many as you might be tricked into believing, unless of course you want to be a volunteer, waitress, bartender or charity representative and work yourself half to death for years in order to get up the ladder in any small way, and even when you do, house prices and rent will go up to cancel out your pay rise.
I don’t care for any of it at all any more, it’s too much stress and strain for very little in return. It’s a place that makes you ruder, angrier, grumpier, more bitter, sadder, and poorer, who the hell wants that? I came here hoping to get some experience to be free-er and happier, and I just feel more limited and trapped.
On a more positive side, living here has really made me appreciate what I already had when I came, I’ve also learnt a lot about how to be more frugal with my money, about who I am and who I’m definitely not, and how important confidence and competitiveness is in the grown up world, as well as at the same time being able to stay down to earth, polite and honest and working really hard.
I only wish my fiance would leave with me. Long distance isn’t as hard as everyone says, we did it for we 3/4 years before but it’s still not very nice. :( I will miss him terribly, but at least the times we get to spend together will be more special, and we’ll get more time to work on the things we want to do in our own lives, career, hobbies etc, and we’ll be better and more interesting people for it when we eventually move back in together.
I’m sad again. Well and truly back to where I was before I left for Easter. Lying in bed all day in the dark crying with the door closed. Not eating, not trying, not caring. I want to come home now. London hurts me. It’s The Nothing and I am Artex, drowning in the mud. I want to go home. :( I want to go to sleep and wake up with all my things packed and a big van to whisk me off in.
