Some say love is a burning thing

That it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a fading thing
Just as fickle as a feather in a stream
See, honey, I saw love. You see, it came to me
It put its face up to my face so I could see
Yeah then I saw love disfigure me
Into something I am not recognising

See, the cage, it called. I said, “Come on in”
I will not open myself up this way again
Nor lay my face to the soil, nor my teeth to the sand
I will not lay like this for days now upon end
You will not see me fall, nor see me struggle to stand
To be acknowledged by some touch from his gnarled hands
You see, the cage, it called. I said, “Come on in”
I will not open myself up this way again

You see, the moon is bright in that treetop night
I see the shadows that we cast in the cold, clean light
My feet are gold. My heart is white
And we race out on the desert plains all night
See, honey, I am not some broken thing
I do not lay here in the dark waiting for thee
No my heart is gold. My feet are light
And I am racing out on the desert plains all night

So some say love is a burning thing
That it makes a fiery ring
Oh but I know love as a caging thing
Just a killer come to call from some awful dream
O and all you folks, you come to see
You just stand there in the glass looking at me
But my heart is wild. And my bones are steam
And I could kill you with my bare hands if I was free

This clip represents only 6 minutes from a 100 minute long film, (Samsara) which was photographed in 25 countries and explores many other diverse aspects of the human experience.

how much love can a boy contain in here? how many contradictions can a girl possess up there? these questions are too ambiguous, try to narrow down your search. somethings i know, it’s hard. it’s easy to forget where you came from if there’s no question of your return, such selfishnesses trivialise any tenderness as the coffee commands the torture of my bowels, pronouncing every word with a rigid insensitivity, plus i struggle with the nightshade in my blood. I really shouldn’t say it, but i just love what the water does.

(Source: Spotify)

Pretty sweet time hanging out in the trees at Go Ape yesterday.

Grilled veggies, goats cheese, black olives and brown rice pitta.
A peak at our most recent festival, Wychwood all guns blazing.

Live Events - A 24/7 Industry.

Some of you who follow me will notice I’ve not been blogging anything for a while.

Since my last post I’ve been and come back from a short trip to venice, stage managed the main stage at jazz festival, spent a couple of weeks planning in the office, and on our most recent festival I’ve just worked 17 days solid running both the production office and stage managing the big top, my working day averaged at around 13 hours but on some days I worked up to 16 hours. I’m sat here in bed having been given a couple of hours off because I’ve come down with a heavy cold and it’s given me some perspective.

Working this much is considered fairly average for anyone working in events - whether you’re a lighting or sound engineer, stage manager, production co-ordinator or event contractor - you will always have to work the same crazy hours. 

What I’m wondering is - why? 

Everyone I’ve met in the event world struggles to make time for their families and friends, they have constant arguments or with their loved ones (or they’re single) they have a poor diet, and they cannot survive without a regular dose of caffeine, and they can’t keep plants alive because they’re never home. I’m wondering - why is it a given that we all work ourselves into the ground, couldn’t employers develop themselves shift systems so that the same responsibility is split between two people and not one? 

We all spend so much of our lives dedicated to the entertainment and happiness of others and in the process we destroy our own lives. But we are the ones who create this industry as a whole - so we are the only ones who can change it, improve it for ourselves. We lie down and accept the roles and the shifts we’re given knowing the difficulties of getting the jobs in the first place, but we have the balance all wrong - we need to be better at saying no, to working less and living more, or to sharing our knowledge with others so that we can lighten the load.

Just because you love your job, doesn’t mean it should take over your entire life. There are so many other aspects to life than work that need taking care of, the important little things that make up who you are and what will be left when you retire. Chances are - your employer won’t be the one standing beside you on your death bed - so don’t give them too much of your life, and pay attention to the people and the things you want to be glad to come home to on your last working day.

Only taken me 4 years, to renew it but I finally have a passport again! I know it’s not a big deal to anybody else but you have no idea how happy it makes me to have this finally sorted. 😁✈️ #lookoutworld
Found a sweet new running route! 🌳

They won’t know who we are
So we both can pretend
It’s written on the mountains
A line that never ends

As the devil spoke we spilled out on the floor
And the pieces broke and the people wanted more
And the rugged wheel is turning another round

Dorian, carrion,
Will you come along to the end
Will you ever let us carry on

Swaying like the children,
Singled out for praise
The inside out on the open
With the straightest face

As the sad-eyed woman spoke we missed our chance,
The final dying joke caught in our hands
And the rugged wheel is turning another round

Dorian, carrion,
Will you come along to the end
Will you ever let us carry on

Dorian, carrion,
Will you come along to the end
Will you ever let us carry on
Dorian, will you follow us down

The Quarter-Life Crisis and Social Networking.

I don’t think this problem is as commonly talked about as the mid-life crisis, but lately it seems everyone’s having some sort of meltdown before they’ve even reached thirty, and it got me thinking. There’s not a day goes by where I too am not affected by some sort of deep-rooted sense of panic in the back of my head telling me I need to get my shit together because my youth is disappearing before my very eyes. It’s the very reason for my incessant list making and working late and my obsession with constantly assessing and reassessing my achievements and my appearance. Everybody has certain little habits caused by a kind of quarter-life anxiety.

Once you leave home, there’s this massive drop of pressure on you that nobody really informs you of. Suddenly the only letters you get are bills, your days off are spent catching up on chores and somehow you’ve got a load of commitments without actually having much to show for it. You’re head-first in the deep end of this place, yet you still don’t know what the hell you’re supposed to be doing there, and you’re expected to be completely self-sufficient. That art of making it up as you go along can either be incredibly stressful or incredibly liberating, or both at the same time.

A few weeks ago I got a contraceptive implant inserted into my arm. It’s an incredibly weird thing to do, to have a bit of plastic put under your skin that magically stops your body from doing what it’s naturally supposed to do, and for three years! But I decided i wasn’t going to take any risks any more, I couldn’t. Not because I don’t want kids, but because I’m afraid of having them before I’ve achieved all of my ambitions. I’m not afraid of falling pregnant, I’m afraid of living with regret, I’m afraid of not sapping my life and my body try of everything it’s capable of before it’s gone. I’m incredibly aware of how restricting it is to have dependents, and the damage you can do to kids if you drag them around while you try to fulfil your own goals, and the more knowledge and experiences you have, the more you can give to them. Though I want to be in the position one day to be able to give all my time to them - I know I’m nowhere near ready. Anyway… having this thing in my arm has inspired me to get as much as possible done in the next 3 years before it’s time to have it taken out again - whether I make it or not, now as a 24 year old - is my biggest cause for anxiety. There’s no stress like it, and It affects a large amount of people in their twenties who deal with the same unspoken daily strain. I know this mainly by what I see in my News Feed…

Recently it dawned on me that social networks are just a bragging platform, we all do it: Posts and pictures that say - I found the perfect relationship, I cooked something complex, I ran 10K today, I lost weight, I travelled somewhere, I look pretty today, I’ve seen a new TV show or played a cool new game that only a few people know about. All these small 1ups that release the pressure of maybe not quite being where you want to be. We can no longer gain recognition from teachers for getting good grades, or be doted on by our parents for good behaviour, or make loads of friends the same way as we did when we were little kids, so we invent new ways to seek approval, likes, retweets, comments (and mostly from people we rarely speak to). 

In any case it’s a way we’ve latched onto social networks to make that life-strain easier, right? Or does it? Now we’re bombarded by extra pressure from our peers’ photos of their weddings and expensive trips abroad and promotions, maybe it just adds to the competition you already feel from inside your own head. Now whilst competing with yourself to achieve certain goals, you also feel a need to match or surpass the achievements of others, worsening the quarter-life crisis. It’s becoming easier and easier for anyone to become famous. So after a few thousand followers, you’ve hit the jackpot right? You can pat yourself on your back? You can feel comfortable that you’ve achieved something? Or is it really about being able to affirm that for yourself…

Social networks are a powerful tool but so many of us (myself included) have been using them in the wrong way. We should use them to stay well-connected to the people we love, use them to share our thoughts and ideas and stories, not use them as a bragging breeding ground - don’t use it to make yourself feel better than anybody else, and consequently encourage somebody else to do the same. Everybody is struggling up the same hill, and your achievement will always stifle that of somebody else. What you gain, somebody else has lost, and vice versa, and so really the only value in what you do or what you have is that which you place on it, no amount of likes can equate to that. Also the good news is you’re in control of that value, so if you feel like you need to do something to increase it, then do it, but if you feel like you need to do something because somebody else places value in it, then take a step back and reconsider why.

I can’t tell you how to achieve everything you want to do in life (I’m still figuring that bit out myself) but what I have learnt, and try to remember every day, is that as long as you are humble and as long as you are kind, no part of your life will ever be a waste. There need be no existential anxiety in selflessness.

Festival season literally cannot come around fast enough. Hurry up May, I am so fed up of sitting about in my flat by myself being a saddo because I have nobody to play with, drowning my sorrows In biscuits and music, all the while the sunny days mocking me with their arrogant rays. Come and run off with me again summer! :(

What plays in my head as I walk into town on race week.

This is the best and truest depiction of depression I've ever seen.